SHOW FULL TEXT
Level of control town. I mean it was oppressive obviously CD . I think it was some part of feeling like to something broken in this relationship and you know having a fellow and the relationship like maybe I’m losing her or insecurities inside who were pumping out , you know , I don’t want to scroll who’s stunning when she was a model beautiful girl getting all this way to cheat us kind of out there and she’s younger than I am by a few years and I I just feel like I need to carry , you know it’s immaturity in my part in insecurity my part trying to make sure she stays on the right road . And I think some of us just wrong expectations that came into many twists . I mean they have . I have a right somehow Chemicals have statements to her when really this is her body is her world and I never did it with grace . Now is that it was more of like a lesser dessert , I just would change the order .
It it go back to the women that you’re confiding and and and I’m sure you saw something in their faces as you begin to speak there are probably a bit shocked how did they manage at that helped you indeed they do anything that actually concerned you.
Well , they showed me such love in response such compassion such tenderness and they also reflected truth back to me. Finley . This is not normal Zandi .
If you think would you accept that did you embrace it.
It you’re yeah it was a relief because , as I said earlier I had turn contemptuous of myself , I turn the contempt from my shame and I felt more often than I was looking at myself. And you know what , what am I doing wrong . I’ve got to get this right . I just get it right , everything will be okay and while the peaceful harmonious relationship , but I couldn’t seem to do that on my own .
Sanjay , let me break in there , because I think against so many women feel that way. I don’t know if it’s just star makeup as male and female , but so many women turned that kind of treatment in themselves rather than perhaps reflecting it back and saying , wait a minute , what’s happening there in the heart is at the self esteem issues that you’re feeling so low that when somebody piles on which Tom Wise and I appreciate your honesty town , it takes a man to say it , but he was really . He was hitting on to you .
Hot coals oh it’s so true. Well , that feeling of shame that I felt is a very powerful feeling it’s one of the most powerful emotions that we have and they such a feeling of exposure that you have to cover up . You know it’s been explained to me that it’s almost like someone coming up behind you and pulling down your pants . Yet the first reaction that you would have a step pull them up and you have to cover up with something equally as powerful in the only in motion powerful enough apart from turning to God is contempt which is hatred through the turmoil . I turned and or Nitro I had a hatred for myself , I’m not getting this right . I’m not doing it right , and I’m a Christian , I should know how to do this . Right , so you know all the wild card was waiting for me to turn to him . You know that’s what we’re supposed to do when we feel feelings of shame , where there’s a legitimate or illegitimate it’s of shame were supposed to take back toward God and allow him to cover but instead it was trying to cover myself .
And what was that next step , and these women are speaking interior life you you’re pointing this anger in towards yourself that you’re not measuring up the disappointed in you. You can’t get anything right . I’m certainly going to implode on you .
Well , it did. I decided that I can live like that anymore and hearing them reflect honestly back to need the truth stay in condition of my marriage made me realize I need help . I have to call out for help . I have to risk that and asked for help in there . I don’t know how to do this and so I I began to go to a Christian Counselor . I began to open up more to 3 women in my life that agreed to mentor me and they were able to help me take the Bible the biblical principles for wives in the Bible and they them practical . The Christian counseling that I received was excellent . Not only was encouraged to pray and listen to what God wanted to say to me , not just dump my problems on him and walk out of the office of prayer with him but really stay there and well with him and listen to what it was that he wanted to say to me about me in the situation .
Tom. Tell me how you are feeling we threatened by all this . The fact that she was going to counseling , getting us great wisdom from these 3 wise ladies . I would think , given your personality . At that time that he would be thinking this is bringing my world down .
Yeah I do things going on inside one I knew something wasn’t right I knew across from my perspective I wanna change her I knew there was problems and my dog like Michael as of she which is change in these areas and saying the specifics to her one time we’d be fine. Boy how many people think that we’re in marriage if my spouse would simply change it would be great because I’m pretty much perfect wife thought clearly yes . So what was going on inside of me as a gig which is getting counseling . That’s great . She needs it didn’t even get a look at myself as inside , I knew I was not perfectly at all . I’m too angry . I’m too frustrated but going to counseling , I know should get help .
So I mean you didn’t even see that you part of the problem.
I honestly did not tomorrow. Yeah , I think a lot of men don’t and they don’t look at it as a she’d make these changes . And I’d be better here and in meanwhile you you poured yourself into your work life and assuming absolute pretty common response to lead to something like this . Speaking became her successful business that I was running at the time so successful 2-point that I got on the Today show good at 4 minutes they were John Baird however career they flew into New York came back with even a bigger had more problems and got humbled me in a very direct way , and that one as well .
And Tom , you are really speaking right to the heart of many many men , and some women again and sometimes those roles are reversed , but thank you for sharing so openly and saying to you too. We’ve got more to cover it .
And the smile on my face is because I know the rest. The story I know have got continues to work in your life . Let’s come back next time and talk about how God really did say you’re managing estimate .
Will join us next time and hear more from Tom in Sandy rally on Focus on the Family in a very transparent conversation that will continue , then we’re so grateful that there is , as you said Jim a happy ending to the story by God’s grace and we really do encourage you to listen in for that now book is called the beautiful wife focused on Christ fulfilled in marriage and all encourage you to get a copy.
From a stat. Let me know that if , what we’ve talked about today has resonated with you may be opened a painful wound and you’re struggling . We have an intensive marriage counseling program called Hope restored and it may be the answer that you’re looking for hope restored is for couples in crisis , many of whom have signed the divorce papers , this is it the last chance . And it can be a whole new beginning for you not but end of your marriage . But a new beginning . And I would encourage you to call us . For more information . Couples who participate in this program have an almost 85% success rate post 2 years after the counseling . I think that’s worth an investment and if you’d like to help others by supporting Focus on the Family and the work of hope restored when you send a gift of any amount . I want to say thank you by sending a copy of Sandy’s book : the beautiful wife .
You can do it find help for your marriage and get a copy of that book the beautiful wife when you call 800. The letter in the word family or start by Focus on the Family.com/Radio , and while you’re there . Give the CD the download or the mobile app , he can listen .
This again on behalf of Jim daily in the entire team. Thanks for listening . I’m John Bowler inviting you back next time as we once again visit with Tom Sandy Row and help you and your family thriving cross .
Contemplating divorce in a place of despair if your marriage is there then focus on the family’s hope restored a marriage intensive experience can help scholarships are available. Call 1-8 take 68752915 for help restore.com .
You’ve been listening to focus on the Family with Jim Daly furnished by focusing on the offense here on 9 separate faced off Atlanta 9-70 that would maybe Atlanta 1400 W LTA Alpharetta W FS each HD2 Athens.
They talk Atlanta I’m Rick pro-filled cited about the pastor’s appreciation event coming up in October. Well , there’s a couple of reasons why they ask is this Speaker AR Bernard is off of hook look at is gonna be Thursday . October 19 . The other reason because the view passer and your entire staff and Europe are invited . You can find out more at say talk Atlanta can’t stay with us all day long . I’m Rick Probst you are listening to face talk Atlanta today on Real Radio .